WHAT A YEAR........
I know it may come to you as a shock, because most people that post "what a year" are actually referring to the "end of a year"....but this is not nearing January, I am not making a resolution or a change at the given point in time; just reflecting on where I was a year ago.....I do this often.
Last year was probably the hardest year. Not because it was that bad, but because I blocked out a lot of my childhood because it was too painful, and last year was the first year that I started dealing with it.
When I went to Discovery last November, it was truly a life changing event. I didnt think that I could ever heal from my pain, sexual abuse, depression....NONE of it. I honestly thought that God's plan for my life was for me to be used. I didnt understand that the world was fallen.
Now- I know what you are thinking, "Weren't you raised in the church? Didnt you go to Christian private school your whole life" YES, I did. But i went to church because that was the "thing to do" and I went to that school where the Bible was a text book and not actually the living, breathing word of God.
When my abuse continued with a Preacher, I think that was one of the defining moments in my relationship with God. I know that "preachers" are not "God", but I think that the world, and certainly the Church views them as "one step to God"; or at least, that is what I have heard, and some what believed in my walk. I saw that abuse as "God" wounding me. I did not step foot in a church for 2 years. I disconnected with everyone in my life that was a Christian, i gave my Bibles away, I didnt just reject the Word of God, I despised it. I was in such a dark place, that I didnt think God's light could shine that far down. and ESPECIALLY not a a lowly abused victim like me.
In a lot of respects, I knew that people had it worse off then me; but then again, some of my abuse, and the physical pain I still deal with has almost been unbearable. I knew that people would die because they didnt have enough food, and I was there 50lbs over weight. I knew that some people were in cages, or homes, that were being treated like animals or slaves. Though I knew that, I still somehow singled myself out, and believed that "my abuse was worse"
Because of my past and mostly because of my abuse, there were a lot of stories floating around, and to be honest, I started most of them. I didnt know what "healthy attention" was, how could i? All of my abuse was done out of love....i didnt get it.
In the last year, I have really started to grasp just how amazing His love is, and who HE wants me to be. I have seen His hand so delicately placed in my life, that it is almost amazing to look back and see.
I dont know why I felt led to write this. I know many do not know my "story" but a lot of you have been asking about why my mission on my wall is to "show children who are victims of sexual abuse how to love and to be loved." My heart is so for children. They are only young once!
I make an impact every day with Ella, Saige, and now Tarren. Children are so moldable, and so vulnerable. My heart goes out to them. Plus, I love working with them! what other job do you get slobbery sticky kisses and big warm hugs for a cup of milk! oh- the treasured moments in life!
I am now starting a fund for children that are victims of sexual abuse, and am excited to see where God is going to lead me. It may be to
is it amazing to me the clarity I see in my eyes. There are two pics here....one before Discovery 
(me in the white shirt), and one after (me with my Mommy Radliff). the smile, the eyes, the body! It is all different! if you cannot tell, you are blind! :D
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